He felt it, even as he looked into the lifeless eyes of the one he’d hated for so long. It should have been over, it should have filled the hole inside of him, satiated his lust to put an end to this adversary…
It had been a while since he had gotten some sleep, quite a while. But he did dream. His dreams were all he had. The lucidity of the dreams was disturbing at times, but he’d gotten used to it. Sometimes, he could go into a state of conscious dreaming, and it was just as easy and just as mundane as flipping a switch. No one understood what had happened, neither the ones who cared, nor the ones who tried. It just seemed like he’d stopped living his own life, chasing after the dreams someone else had shown him.
There are times in one’s life when one relies on instinct, prays for it to be right, and carries on. Such was the mistake he made when he went against all good reason and had faith in his emotion. Belief. Believe in something for only as long as it doesn’t hold your head down in water and politely ask you to breathe. Believe in something for only as much as your shredded soul can take. Believe in something only when you are not the only one left to believe.
He had made peace with the fact that the events of the past would repeat themselves, and he would just let it happen. Maybe because he liked the pain or because he wanted to fight it. Only, it wasn’t that simple. There was more, there was someone trying to snake his way through and snatch away what little he had left of that emotion. This he could not tolerate. He finally knew hate.
For someone who’d spent his whole life trying to love, this change infested itself in his charred heart and spread like a cancer until it took control of his actions. All he needed was a little motivation, a little something to let him justify to himself, the reason for going this far, to justify taking a life. He needed it, needed this to put an end to his misery. He had changed. The soul that was now lost would have condemned the thought, castigated it…
Sending someone into the realm of the unknown,
With words of glory and hatred his own,
Walked right out of the arms of an angel,
Into the depths of hell, and back again.
Blocked out the sun and starry skies,
Lost in the haze a thousand lies,
And in a moment did he forget,
The soul of a wretch was all he’d slain.
He had to lose, and lose he did,
To live without a soul; the highest he had bid,
And now he walks among those who see,
With eyes burnt out and souls that bleed.
The fire in the pit could burn,
A million angels in its turn,
But at the end not one regret,
All feeling lost, naught within his soul was left.
Spin it around till it faces your dreams,
for in the darkness you shall see it fade,
taking them; where none can hear their screams,
with promises of a comforting shade.
Face it; face it with all your might,
your strength you may lose; once in those realms,
but you know you have to stay in the fight,
one time you need to stay at the helm.
Steer it away from them till they,
see you holding up a golden shimmering light,
and call out to you like they would; any other day,
make your way through the endless night.
Bring them back to where they began,
to be born again but still the same,
and tell them that together you ran,
from what death had thought to be it’s game.
Never shall they know that it was,
only them who’d fallen to that fate,
and you had forced yourself through those walls,
to bring them back from a place with no exit, no gate…..
He felt what he had always thought it would feel like, the blood rushing through his veins and beyond, like cold steel, as he lay there helpless, but still in control. They found a note; a long one at that, but it held something intriguing, something no one would expect from a teen and this is what it said…… “Life is but a beginning, a gateway to the world beyond. Death, an obstacle, overcome only by love. As you tread through your dreams, you see what you mean; you see what life could never have been. You were born a genius, something people say, but it didn’t seem true, whenever you had a bad day. When you’ve always been the kind, who literally lives by the book, all you see, is your own imagination. But, what if, one day, you stepped out? What if you were foolish enough to believe that people would care? He did…but he didn’t regret it. Not in the least. Life had lost all motivation, but in love, he found reason to live. Strange are the ways of God, for when he was ready to die, God sent an angel to be by his side; to hold him, pull him back into this dark world, so he could suffer; once again. he was, a teenager, who for the first time, was being around people he didn’t know, away from every place he could call home. But surprisingly; he missed no one. Then there came the shipwreck. Sometimes, in your life, you come across people. Some people who come and go, and others who stay. But, then there are those, who just flash by, leaving you dumbfounded, and also, weak in the knees. People have said, and people shall continue to say, that if you truly love someone, you do get to be by their side. He believed……He suffered. He had worshipped love since that day, and he would still swear by it, despite all the pains it has thrust upon him, because once you’ve seen what love truly is, I guess, there is no going back. Death no longer remained an option, because you see that there’s always someone who cares. He’d always wanted to move on, always tried to forget, but then, love was his drug….. The only option he’d ever had was to change who he loved, which of course, was something he couldn’t control. Over the years, seeing her routinely change over from one relationship to another, more efficiently than a mobile phone changing time zones, he got frustrated. She had to be blind not to see his love, Oh! and deaf too, for he’d told her. This frustration soon evolved into a much stronger feeling, something equally devastating as love…..Hate. He began to hate the very thought of love, and slowly fell in love with hate, realizing, that he, was free. So, he decided to try what had eluded him for so long… He decided to take a shot at dying.”
And what may seem like an abrupt ending may have a lot to say inside, For ends are just beginnings to the world where none reside……
“Question with boldness even the existence of God; because, if there
be one, he must approve of the homage of reason than that of
blindfolded fear.” – Thomas Jefferson
Throughout the history of the world, there have been great people, who
understand the one we call God. They have tried their best to explain,
to help us understand, but explanation itself, is a diminishing of
knowledge, for knowledge can be acquired only when attained in
isolation; especially when it comes to something so intriguing, so
mysterious. I believe, that to understand something so complicated,
you have to reach to the level of enlightenment, of clarity, that
those great people have had.
Which is why I know that even though I might not be in a position to
answer this, I shall always think about it, because I know myself, and
then there is only this ‘force’, left to know, to understand. Yes, I
believe that within everybody is a soul, and each with its own level
of positive energy. What compliments the positive, according to me, is
not some negative energy, but the lack of positives, a void. What I
see as the ‘force’, is the sum of all this positive energy, that some
of us call, God.
Each soul is interconnected, each dependent on the other, one’s
actions determining the other’s possible futures. There must be, I
believe, a set of rules that nature follows, that bind each one, that
determine the outcome of our actions, thus making the concept of
karma, fate, destiny, believable to me.
There are those who believe that all are one, and that each person is
just one being, from different times. As interesting as this may be,
I’d say it couldn’t be, because if all the souls are one then, all the
‘force’ is, is the division of positives among the same life form,
which would at some point come to mean that there is no change, that
everything is static; all change, just a perception.
Some do believe that God is one supreme power, one being above the
rest, the creator, the origin of life. However I choose to disagree,
because I believe, that there cannot be a complete unison of this
‘force’, for the amount of positive energy accumulated would be too
much. If there ever were to be, a single force, the void would be
lost; all that would remain would be the positive, which would then
cease to exist, for a lack of complementary substance, the lack of a
need to be.
Thus this force, the interdependence, the unison and the connection
are enough to partially satisfy my thirst for this knowledge, my need
to understand the eternal ‘force’, the rules that govern nature. But
yet I say that I have not seen an iota of the truth, because I know
myself, and I know that I see all there is, but the question that
remains unanswered is why? We drive our world on emotions like love
and hate, but where do emotions emanate from? Why is it that we dream?
For dreams take us to places we could never have seen, but sometimes,
places that exist. We consider ourselves to be such a complex being,
but think of the complexity of this interconnection, of this ‘force’,
we are nothing compared to it. Sometimes we believe that we understand
because we think that we know about something, because we were told,
because we saw. However, we fail to realize that there is an
inconspicuous yet huge difference between knowing and understanding.
We have more void than substance, thus believing that we understand is
mostly an assumption.
Now, there are those whom we call atheists; the ones, who don’t
believe in god, who do not think there is an external force, or a
‘force’ otherwise, that affects the world; that there are no rules to
govern nature. It would all be correct, and all be true for me, unless
I were to say that nature was the rules, that everything around us,
is not something we have made, or something given exclusively to us,
but rather, something formed through the culmination of the ‘force’.
I’d never say that God exists, that there is a higher power, but I
shall always stand by the interconnection of souls, the spirit of
reality, the force of positivity, the belief that each heart, each
mind, is in love with the other, needs the other, and depends on it
because I know, that I do not understand. That I am significantly
distant from the truth, that my questions, my dreams, even though not
my whole reality, are a part of the undeniable and vaguely visible
truth, the truth of love, the truth of the ‘force’.